Sadly, we are currently mourning the recent and tragic loss of a friend near and dear to us all. At approximately 3:03 PM EST, our right-midfielder on the middle yellow line of the foosball table, known to friends as “Old Yellow”, expired today. His hair-line fracture developed into a full blown total-body dismemberment after a power kick. Many have cited defective plastic as the cause of death, but yours truly believes he simply lost the will to live. We don’t like to point fingers around here, but Michael J Frederick KILLED HIM. Chris Broglie, a fellow member of Mr. Frederick’s team GridIron, issued this statement:
In case you can’t grasp the monstrosity of this situation, let me provide some helpful analogies:
If old yellow was Abraham Lincoln, Michael would be John Wilkes Booth
If old yellow was John Kennedy, Michael would be Lee Harvey Oswald
And if Extreme Blue was America, Michael would be Benedict ArnoldGridIron is shamed by his association. We sincerely apologize.
We have notified the player’s family and we are actively looking into an emergency replacement. We ask that you take a moment of silence to reflect on his passing. Mr. Frederick has declined to respond to our questions.